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AP Style Guide Approves Use of Dylmon Mulroonet To Denote Either Actor
For years media organizations, as well as average citizens, have had difficulty differentiating between actors Dylan McDermott and Dermot Mulroney. Earlier this week the official AP Style Guide announced that print media may now use the name Dylmon Mulroonet when unsure of which actor they are referring.
The change will eliminate regular errors and the inevitable retractions that must be made when an understandable error occurs. A recent study from the PEW Research Center estimates that 87% of printed retractions were related to confusion over these 2 actors.
“This is huge for the industry,” says New York Times Editor-In-Chief Miranda Steinberg-Blaugh. “So much time is lost to verifying the identity of a picture of one of these guys. Now we can actually focus on real news.”
While this is a major boon for print media there are other contractional celebrity identities that journalists hope to be approved.
Newsweek journalist Theo Marcs weighs in. “I’ve been pushing to use Bill Paxpull for years. And don’t even get me started on the Emma Watson, Emma Watts, Naomi Watts, Emily Blunt, Amanda Staunton, Emily Mortimer, Emily Morton issue. I have no idea who any of those people are. One of them played Harry Potter, I think.”

AP Style Guide Approves Use of Dylmon Mulroonet To Denote Either Actor

For years media organizations, as well as average citizens, have had difficulty differentiating between actors Dylan McDermott and Dermot Mulroney. Earlier this week the official AP Style Guide announced that print media may now use the name Dylmon Mulroonet when unsure of which actor they are referring.

The change will eliminate regular errors and the inevitable retractions that must be made when an understandable error occurs. A recent study from the PEW Research Center estimates that 87% of printed retractions were related to confusion over these 2 actors.

“This is huge for the industry,” says New York Times Editor-In-Chief Miranda Steinberg-Blaugh. “So much time is lost to verifying the identity of a picture of one of these guys. Now we can actually focus on real news.”

While this is a major boon for print media there are other contractional celebrity identities that journalists hope to be approved.

Newsweek journalist Theo Marcs weighs in. “I’ve been pushing to use Bill Paxpull for years. And don’t even get me started on the Emma Watson, Emma Watts, Naomi Watts, Emily Blunt, Amanda Staunton, Emily Mortimer, Emily Morton issue. I have no idea who any of those people are. One of them played Harry Potter, I think.”

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Geico “Cavemen” Television Spinoff Celebrates 100th Episode
Hollywood, CA - What started as an advertising campaign by Geico insurance has blossomed into a long-running hit television series which this week filmed its 100th episode. The cast and crew celebrated the milestone with a star-studded gala at the exclusive Ivy restaurant in West Hollywood on Saturday night. 
Despite airing to low ratings and mixed reviews the show persevered and slowly rose to become tentpole programming for ABC. “Based on the popularity of the show we tend to move it around the schedule a lot to use it as support for shows that aren’t doing as well as we would like,” said Anne Sweeny, ABC President of Programming. “Wherever we move it fans find us.”
While the show is known for its hilarity true fans love the show for the “will they or won’t they” romantic tension between Nick and Kate. The tumultuous relationship between the two has kept fans on the edge of their seat since the show’s debut in 2007 and fans may finally get what they want in the upcoming 100th episode. 
"The episode in season 2 where Nick and Kate went ice fishing set the tone for the entire series. It made fans want to see these two characters together and I’d like to give them what they want," said Nick Kroll who plays the character of Nick. When pressed as to whether it will happen he remains tight lipped. "You’ll have to tune in to find out," he replied with a sly smile. 
Kaitlin Doubleday, who plays Kate, is no more forthcoming about the romance between the two characters. “Back in season 4 during the earthquake episode there was a moment when Nick and had to film a scene where he rescues a kitten from under a car. Fans will finally get some payoff from that scene.” She adds cryptically “It may not be the payoff most people are hoping for though.” 
While the love story is what keeps fans coming back the social and political commentary is what keeps the show fresh. “The episode about Kate’s breast cancer scare garnered us our first Peabody Award,” said show runner Josh Gordon. “The episode in season 4 titled ‘Choices’ where Jay votes for the first time not only got us a call from Barack Obama but we were honored at the Kennedy Center later that year.”
Whatever it is that makes fans love Cavemen the show has just hit its stride with no signs on slowing down. “We have episodes in the works about marriage equality and in the show’s season premier we’ll finally address the backstory about Thome’s abusive father,” says Gordon. Fans of the show are thrilled about the upcoming storylines and look forward to another 100. 

Geico “Cavemen” Television Spinoff Celebrates 100th Episode

Hollywood, CA - What started as an advertising campaign by Geico insurance has blossomed into a long-running hit television series which this week filmed its 100th episode. The cast and crew celebrated the milestone with a star-studded gala at the exclusive Ivy restaurant in West Hollywood on Saturday night. 

Despite airing to low ratings and mixed reviews the show persevered and slowly rose to become tentpole programming for ABC. “Based on the popularity of the show we tend to move it around the schedule a lot to use it as support for shows that aren’t doing as well as we would like,” said Anne Sweeny, ABC President of Programming. “Wherever we move it fans find us.”

While the show is known for its hilarity true fans love the show for the “will they or won’t they” romantic tension between Nick and Kate. The tumultuous relationship between the two has kept fans on the edge of their seat since the show’s debut in 2007 and fans may finally get what they want in the upcoming 100th episode. 

"The episode in season 2 where Nick and Kate went ice fishing set the tone for the entire series. It made fans want to see these two characters together and I’d like to give them what they want," said Nick Kroll who plays the character of Nick. When pressed as to whether it will happen he remains tight lipped. "You’ll have to tune in to find out," he replied with a sly smile. 

Kaitlin Doubleday, who plays Kate, is no more forthcoming about the romance between the two characters. “Back in season 4 during the earthquake episode there was a moment when Nick and had to film a scene where he rescues a kitten from under a car. Fans will finally get some payoff from that scene.” She adds cryptically “It may not be the payoff most people are hoping for though.” 

While the love story is what keeps fans coming back the social and political commentary is what keeps the show fresh. “The episode about Kate’s breast cancer scare garnered us our first Peabody Award,” said show runner Josh Gordon. “The episode in season 4 titled ‘Choices’ where Jay votes for the first time not only got us a call from Barack Obama but we were honored at the Kennedy Center later that year.”

Whatever it is that makes fans love Cavemen the show has just hit its stride with no signs on slowing down. “We have episodes in the works about marriage equality and in the show’s season premier we’ll finally address the backstory about Thome’s abusive father,” says Gordon. Fans of the show are thrilled about the upcoming storylines and look forward to another 100. 

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Shannon Doherty Fired from Education Connection for “Diva Attitude”
Hollywood, CA - On Tuesday Actress Shannon Doherty was released from her contract as spokesperson for Education Connection, an online trade college similar to Phoenix Online, only not as popular, after a tumultuous battle with the director. Citing her “attitude,” chronic lateness and demands that her part be “beefed up” the director made a formal statement about the dissolution of their relationship.
"While I respect Ms. Doherty professionally I can no longer work with her. I wish her the best of luck in her future endeavors," stated Stanley Jelinski in a statement published in the New York Times.
Rumors about the split have been swirling for months. Recently a story surfaced wherein Doherty arrived to the set drunk and began berating a Production Assistant for looking her in the eye. Doherty allegedly forced the director to fire the P.A. and was so affected by the events refused to come out of her dressing room for 4 hours. When she finally did emerge Doherty refused to wear the goggles during a scene in which she pretended to do chemistry. 
"She was a nightmare," stated a source who chooses to remain anonymous. "One day we were trying to shoot a scene where she had to wear glasses and put her hair in a bun like a secretary. Doherty showed up an hour late with an entourage of 40 and said couldn’t get in character until she was delivered a bowl of only brown M&Ms." 
Doherty has had a history of problems on set. She was fired from her breakout performance on 90210, then later fired from Charmed for the same reasons. Subsequently she was fired from the SyFy show Scare Tactics when she could not get along with the crew, despite the crew consisting of one cameraman she had known since elementary school.
This latest blow is damning to Doherty’s reputation but it may be a blessing in disguise as rumor has it the producers of Up All Night are courting her to play the Tooth Fairy character in their new animated, 9 camera reboot. 

Shannon Doherty Fired from Education Connection for “Diva Attitude”

Hollywood, CA - On Tuesday Actress Shannon Doherty was released from her contract as spokesperson for Education Connection, an online trade college similar to Phoenix Online, only not as popular, after a tumultuous battle with the director. Citing her “attitude,” chronic lateness and demands that her part be “beefed up” the director made a formal statement about the dissolution of their relationship.

"While I respect Ms. Doherty professionally I can no longer work with her. I wish her the best of luck in her future endeavors," stated Stanley Jelinski in a statement published in the New York Times.

Rumors about the split have been swirling for months. Recently a story surfaced wherein Doherty arrived to the set drunk and began berating a Production Assistant for looking her in the eye. Doherty allegedly forced the director to fire the P.A. and was so affected by the events refused to come out of her dressing room for 4 hours. When she finally did emerge Doherty refused to wear the goggles during a scene in which she pretended to do chemistry. 

"She was a nightmare," stated a source who chooses to remain anonymous. "One day we were trying to shoot a scene where she had to wear glasses and put her hair in a bun like a secretary. Doherty showed up an hour late with an entourage of 40 and said couldn’t get in character until she was delivered a bowl of only brown M&Ms." 

Doherty has had a history of problems on set. She was fired from her breakout performance on 90210, then later fired from Charmed for the same reasons. Subsequently she was fired from the SyFy show Scare Tactics when she could not get along with the crew, despite the crew consisting of one cameraman she had known since elementary school.

This latest blow is damning to Doherty’s reputation but it may be a blessing in disguise as rumor has it the producers of Up All Night are courting her to play the Tooth Fairy character in their new animated, 9 camera reboot. 

Filed under Shannon Doherty Education Connection Satire The Onion Celebrity Gossip Gossip

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Michael Davenport Comes Out as First Openly Gay Figure Skater 
West Hollywood, CA - “I’m a 34-year-old figure skater. I’m fabulous. And I’m gay.” With these three short sentences in this week’s issue of Sports Illustrated, Michael Davenport told the sports world two things it already knew, and one that it didn’t. In doing so has made history, becoming the first active male figure skater to come out as gay.
While his announcement has been received positively, garnering a congratulatory call from Barack Obama and a parade scheduled in his hometown of San Francisco, some have responded negatively. Olympic silver medalist Wilmer Morgan was one outspoken opponent. “What kind of message is he sending to little boys who want to be figure skaters?” he asked in a recent interview. He continued, “I know I wouldn’t want to share a locker room with him or go to any more of the annual slumber parties at his place in Fire Island.” 
Despite the controversy, Davenport has indisputably made history with his actions. Being the first openly gay male figure skater has paved the way for others to come out in the same way. Shortly after Davenport’s announcement National Cheerleading Champion Thom Van Pheister also made an announcement regarding his sexuality. “These boys’ clubs make it a scary place to be yourself but Michael, a dear friend and traveling companion, encouraged me to be myself no matter what anyone says.”
While his future in the USFSA is in question Davenport has no regrets. “I’ve hidden too long and it was just time to live honestly and openly.” Davenport is choosing to focus on the positive. “I can start being myself and wearing what I want on the ice. No more butching it up!” 

Michael Davenport Comes Out as First Openly Gay Figure Skater 

West Hollywood, CA - “I’m a 34-year-old figure skater. I’m fabulous. And I’m gay.” With these three short sentences in this week’s issue of Sports Illustrated, Michael Davenport told the sports world two things it already knew, and one that it didn’t. In doing so has made history, becoming the first active male figure skater to come out as gay.

While his announcement has been received positively, garnering a congratulatory call from Barack Obama and a parade scheduled in his hometown of San Francisco, some have responded negatively. Olympic silver medalist Wilmer Morgan was one outspoken opponent. “What kind of message is he sending to little boys who want to be figure skaters?” he asked in a recent interview. He continued, “I know I wouldn’t want to share a locker room with him or go to any more of the annual slumber parties at his place in Fire Island.” 

Despite the controversy, Davenport has indisputably made history with his actions. Being the first openly gay male figure skater has paved the way for others to come out in the same way. Shortly after Davenport’s announcement National Cheerleading Champion Thom Van Pheister also made an announcement regarding his sexuality. “These boys’ clubs make it a scary place to be yourself but Michael, a dear friend and traveling companion, encouraged me to be myself no matter what anyone says.”

While his future in the USFSA is in question Davenport has no regrets. “I’ve hidden too long and it was just time to live honestly and openly.” Davenport is choosing to focus on the positive. “I can start being myself and wearing what I want on the ice. No more butching it up!” 

Filed under Gay GLBT LGBT Sports Coming Out Satire The Onion Homosexual

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Lane Bryant CEO Angers Many by Discriminating Against Thin WomenSayville, NY - Lane Bryant CEO Meredith Stroop has caused quite the controversy with her recent statements, causing some to call for a boycott of the company. In an interview with Fashion Plus Magazine Stroop laid out the company’s mission statement which many have interpreted as exclusionary. "Our clothes are specifically for plus size women. The moms, single gals, and confident young women who have curves and feel comfortable in their own skin." Many thin rights activists have taken this statement as discriminatory. 
Sally Ann Morris of Skinny is Beautiful issued a statement about the interview. “To say that these clothes are only for bigger women makes thinner women feel like they aren’t good enough to shop there. Why can’t a thin woman be single or confident? What kind of message is this sending to our picky eating daughters?” 
Since the incendiary statements from Stroop backlash campaigns have sprung up across the country. One activist created a YouTube video encouraging people to buy used Lane Bryant clothing and give them to homeless people. One recipient of clothing from the movement, Marcus Garrison was available for comment. “This is stupid. I’m a man and I haven’t eaten in 6 days. I don’t need a size 20 evening gown.”
Size isn’t the only issue that has caused anger among the masses. Ted Strickland, an outspoken Mens’ Rights Activist, weighed in on the controversy as well. “Why does she say only women can shop in her store? What kind of message are we sending to our chubby sons by saying they’re not welcome?”
While many have responded negatively toward the remarks sales are up company-wide at Lane Bryant. Analysts state that the majority of the sales are from people “spite shopping” to teach the company a lesson. 

Lane Bryant CEO Angers Many by Discriminating Against Thin Women

Sayville, NY - Lane Bryant CEO Meredith Stroop has caused quite the controversy with her recent statements, causing some to call for a boycott of the company. In an interview with Fashion Plus Magazine Stroop laid out the company’s mission statement which many have interpreted as exclusionary. 

"Our clothes are specifically for plus size women. The moms, single gals, and confident young women who have curves and feel comfortable in their own skin." Many thin rights activists have taken this statement as discriminatory. 

Sally Ann Morris of Skinny is Beautiful issued a statement about the interview. “To say that these clothes are only for bigger women makes thinner women feel like they aren’t good enough to shop there. Why can’t a thin woman be single or confident? What kind of message is this sending to our picky eating daughters?” 

Since the incendiary statements from Stroop backlash campaigns have sprung up across the country. One activist created a YouTube video encouraging people to buy used Lane Bryant clothing and give them to homeless people. One recipient of clothing from the movement, Marcus Garrison was available for comment. “This is stupid. I’m a man and I haven’t eaten in 6 days. I don’t need a size 20 evening gown.”

Size isn’t the only issue that has caused anger among the masses. Ted Strickland, an outspoken Mens’ Rights Activist, weighed in on the controversy as well. “Why does she say only women can shop in her store? What kind of message are we sending to our chubby sons by saying they’re not welcome?”

While many have responded negatively toward the remarks sales are up company-wide at Lane Bryant. Analysts state that the majority of the sales are from people “spite shopping” to teach the company a lesson. 

Filed under Fashion Clothing abercrombie & fitch Discrimination The Onion Satire

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PRESS RELEASE

Contact: Jason “Fozzie” Nelson Twitter.com/Fozziebare Jason.Nelson13@gmail.comAvailable in the Amazon Kindle Store
“Big, Scary, Make-Believe Land” helps bridge the gap between loving horror movies and having children. 
New York, NY - Originally written as a gift for a horror podcaster expecting a baby, “Big, Scary, Make-Believe Land” is a new Kindle e-book that helps parents introduce their children to the horror movie genre. Written by Jason “Fozzie” Nelson in conjunction with childhood development student, George Cooper, and illustrated by artist Andy Kahl, the book is now available for Kindle in the Amazon store. 
Targeted for children age 4 – 9 “Big, Scary, Make-Believe Land” helps explain to children that the things that they may see on the screen are all just pretend. By pulling back the veil of vampires, witches, and scary guys in masks parents who love horror movies can use this book to begin sharing their favorite movies with their kids.   
About the Author – Jason “Fozzie” Nelson is a podcaster, blogger, and horror movie enthusiast. He began enjoying horror and genre movies at an early age and was inspired to write this book by a conversation with his parents about the magic of film. 
For more information about “Big, Scary, Make-Believe Land”, please visit the Amazon store or contact Fozzie through Twitter (@fozziebare).  ###

PRESS RELEASE

Contact: Jason “Fozzie” Nelson
Twitter.com/Fozziebare
Jason.Nelson13@gmail.com
Available in the Amazon Kindle Store

Big, Scary, Make-Believe Land” helps bridge the gap between loving horror movies and having children.

New York, NY - Originally written as a gift for a horror podcaster expecting a baby, “Big, Scary, Make-Believe Land” is a new Kindle e-book that helps parents introduce their children to the horror movie genre. Written by Jason “Fozzie” Nelson in conjunction with childhood development student, George Cooper, and illustrated by artist Andy Kahl, the book is now available for Kindle in the Amazon store.

Targeted for children age 4 – 9 “Big, Scary, Make-Believe Land” helps explain to children that the things that they may see on the screen are all just pretend. By pulling back the veil of vampires, witches, and scary guys in masks parents who love horror movies can use this book to begin sharing their favorite movies with their kids.   

About the Author – Jason “Fozzie” Nelson is a podcaster, blogger, and horror movie enthusiast. He began enjoying horror and genre movies at an early age and was inspired to write this book by a conversation with his parents about the magic of film.

For more information about “Big, Scary, Make-Believe Land”, please visit the Amazon store or contact Fozzie through Twitter (@fozziebare).
###

Filed under Books Kids Books Kindle Amazon Publishing Illustrated Horror Movies Scary Movies Scream friday the 13th Zombies Aliens Monsters Children Parenting

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NBC’s “Up All Night” Saved by Last Minute Casting of Amanda Bynes
Hollywood, CA - NBC sitcom Up All NIght has been plagued with difficulties which have caused the show’s current extended hiatus. With Christina Applegate exiting the show citing creative difference and Maya Rudolph’s unexpected pregnancy fans thought the show was dead in the water. Luckily the show may receive a 9th inning retribution with the recent casting of Amanda Bynes. 
"We’re thrilled to have such a grounded young woman join the cast," said Will Arnett in a press release. 
Bynes will play Applegate’s younger sister who comes to live with Arnett after Applegate’s character dies horribly in a gangland shooting. “We took the basic idea of Sandy Duncan’s addition to The Hogan Family and expanded upon it. We think fans will really accept Amanda as a mother figure and grow to love her as much as they did Christina.” 
While no one from the show has actually met Bynes in person yet they have been assured by her manager that she is very excited about the project.

NBC’s “Up All Night” Saved by Last Minute Casting of Amanda Bynes

Hollywood, CA - NBC sitcom Up All NIght has been plagued with difficulties which have caused the show’s current extended hiatus. With Christina Applegate exiting the show citing creative difference and Maya Rudolph’s unexpected pregnancy fans thought the show was dead in the water. Luckily the show may receive a 9th inning retribution with the recent casting of Amanda Bynes. 

"We’re thrilled to have such a grounded young woman join the cast," said Will Arnett in a press release. 

Bynes will play Applegate’s younger sister who comes to live with Arnett after Applegate’s character dies horribly in a gangland shooting. “We took the basic idea of Sandy Duncan’s addition to The Hogan Family and expanded upon it. We think fans will really accept Amanda as a mother figure and grow to love her as much as they did Christina.” 

While no one from the show has actually met Bynes in person yet they have been assured by her manager that she is very excited about the project.

Filed under Amanda Bynes celebrity gossip The Onion Satire Up All Night NBC Party Girl Crazy

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BREAKING: Identical Snowflakes Discovered
Prague, CZ - For years scientists have claimed that snowflakes were all different and each one unique. After an extensive research project funded by the Czech Republic Government that theory has now been debunked. 
Field researcher Yanov Milanovavich has been with the project for 47 years and was beginning to lose hope. “I was there in the mountain going flake by flake like I have every day since I was 16. When I found two that were exactly alike I couldn’t believe it!” 
This discovery has thrown the scientific community into a whirlwind making them question everything they have ever known. Behavioral therapist Marlon Stample has rescinded a previous report submitted to the National Childhood Education Council since the latest discovery. “We used to teach children that they are all unique and each one has something that no one else has. Now we just don’t know if that’s true.” 

BREAKING: Identical Snowflakes Discovered

Prague, CZ - For years scientists have claimed that snowflakes were all different and each one unique. After an extensive research project funded by the Czech Republic Government that theory has now been debunked. 

Field researcher Yanov Milanovavich has been with the project for 47 years and was beginning to lose hope. “I was there in the mountain going flake by flake like I have every day since I was 16. When I found two that were exactly alike I couldn’t believe it!” 

This discovery has thrown the scientific community into a whirlwind making them question everything they have ever known. Behavioral therapist Marlon Stample has rescinded a previous report submitted to the National Childhood Education Council since the latest discovery. “We used to teach children that they are all unique and each one has something that no one else has. Now we just don’t know if that’s true.” 

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Local Libertarian Says He Can Create His Own Damn Oxygen
Greer, SC - Donald McKenzie, a local self-proclaimed libertarian, recently took it upon himself to remove every tree and bit of flora from his property. His reasoning? Socialism. 
"My son came home from school and told me that he had learned how plants create oxygen for the world." That bit of information was enough for McKenzie to take it upon himself to cut down every tree on his property, remove all the shrubs, and kill every plant. "Even though these are trees on my property everybody can just take my oxygen even when they don’t have any trees of their own." 
A longtime opponent of socialism in America McKenzie has future plans to create oxygen the old fashioned way, through attempting to combine hydrogen and oxygen in his basement lab. So far his attempts have been unsuccessful. 
McKenzie is optimistic about the future of his now-barren property. “I plan to install metal poles and astroturf all over my yard. Poles and astroturf that I bought myself that none of the moochers can use.”  

Local Libertarian Says He Can Create His Own Damn Oxygen

Greer, SC - Donald McKenzie, a local self-proclaimed libertarian, recently took it upon himself to remove every tree and bit of flora from his property. His reasoning? Socialism. 

"My son came home from school and told me that he had learned how plants create oxygen for the world." That bit of information was enough for McKenzie to take it upon himself to cut down every tree on his property, remove all the shrubs, and kill every plant. "Even though these are trees on my property everybody can just take my oxygen even when they don’t have any trees of their own." 

A longtime opponent of socialism in America McKenzie has future plans to create oxygen the old fashioned way, through attempting to combine hydrogen and oxygen in his basement lab. So far his attempts have been unsuccessful. 

McKenzie is optimistic about the future of his now-barren property. “I plan to install metal poles and astroturf all over my yard. Poles and astroturf that I bought myself that none of the moochers can use.”  

2 notes

Obama Vetoes Sweeping Gun Control Legislation With Literal Gun To His Head
On Thursday President Barack Obama planned to sign into law sweeping gun control legislation but was stopped when Indiana Republican Senator Glen Eldard placed the barrel of a gun to the President’s head and stated “not so fast.” Eldard forced the Commander in Chief to then veto the bill. 
Because of a Republican backed bill from 2005 it is not only legal to carry concealed weapons in the White House but an addendum to the bill also allows “anyone to place loaded weapons to anyone’s head for any reason to obtain anything that person needs or wants or thinks he or she may want.” When Eldard took advantage of the “Defense of Emotional Freedom Act” Obama had no response but to follow the Senator’s directions.
"I had every intention to sign this legislation to protect our children and our nation but I had no option but to follow the good Sentaor’s instructions upon feeling the gun against my temple. Back to the drawing board," said the Commander in Chief, defeated but optimistic about the future. 
Said Eldard, “I simply, in good conscience, couldn’t allow this bill to pass. What about our children?” he asked. “What if my son is one day a senator and there’s a bill he doesn’t approve of? I don’t want to deny him the right to pull a gun on the president and get his way.” 

Obama Vetoes Sweeping Gun Control Legislation With Literal Gun To His Head

On Thursday President Barack Obama planned to sign into law sweeping gun control legislation but was stopped when Indiana Republican Senator Glen Eldard placed the barrel of a gun to the President’s head and stated “not so fast.” Eldard forced the Commander in Chief to then veto the bill. 

Because of a Republican backed bill from 2005 it is not only legal to carry concealed weapons in the White House but an addendum to the bill also allows “anyone to place loaded weapons to anyone’s head for any reason to obtain anything that person needs or wants or thinks he or she may want.” When Eldard took advantage of the “Defense of Emotional Freedom Act” Obama had no response but to follow the Senator’s directions.

"I had every intention to sign this legislation to protect our children and our nation but I had no option but to follow the good Sentaor’s instructions upon feeling the gun against my temple. Back to the drawing board," said the Commander in Chief, defeated but optimistic about the future. 

Said Eldard, “I simply, in good conscience, couldn’t allow this bill to pass. What about our children?” he asked. “What if my son is one day a senator and there’s a bill he doesn’t approve of? I don’t want to deny him the right to pull a gun on the president and get his way.”