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Millions of Jobs Created While Job Creators Distracted at CPAC

Washington, D.C. - While the majority of those who claim to be America’s job creators were distracted at the Conservative Political Action Conference the true job creators of the nation took the opportunity to create 2.3 million jobs. Without the regular embargoes put forth by conservative activists to give the illusion of a shaky economy to prevent Obama from obtaining a second term creating jobs was surprisingly easy.

“I have wanted to increase our work force for years,” says Marcus Templeton, a registered Democrat and Vice President at Cannon. “But my boss kept telling me it wasn’t possible. All I did was put an ad on Craigslist and use the cash surplus in our budget to pay them. It was shockingly simple.”

Similar stories have been popping up across the country with liberal and Democratic job creators taking this respite from doomsday rhetoric and “Obamacare” demagoguery clouding the process. However many of these American heroes fear the reaction of their Republican counterparts upon their return.

“My boss has been saying for years that we can’t hire anybody until Newt Gingrich is in office,” says Cathy Valmont of Liberty Mutual Insurance in New Rochelle, New York. “I hired on about 1,000 employees and now we’re running like a real company again. I hope he doesn’t fire me.”

This decline in unemployment is a great boon to the economy however right leaning “news” outlets are already working hard to spin this turn of events. Most are suspecting that Sarah Palin’s speech at CPAC will be given credit for the rise in employment.

After Exhaustive 28-Year Search Beef Found

Tampa, FL - A private investigator has announced that he has located the beef that was reported missing in a Burger King advertisement in 1984. Details are still coming in but for now the beef appears to be juicy, succulent, and well-aged and is being returned to its rightful owner. 

With milk companies taking up the cause of missing children in the early 80s Burger King felt pressure to compete. They chose missing meat products as their cause and hired Clara Peller as their spokesperson. The missing beef was their first and only case and went unsolved until now.

“We’re just so happy the beef was found and is being returned to its rightful butcher,” said Burger King spokesperson The King.

The family of Peller is thriller by this news but is saddened that  their matriarch did not live to see this momentous day. “All she lived for was finding that beef,” said her granddaughter Agnes Peller. “I like to think she’s looking down on it now and smiling.”

Sony Apologizes for Misspelling in Title of Will Smith Film

Sony Studios issued a formal apology today for allowing the film The Pursuit of Happyness to be released with such an obvious spelling error in the title. The oversight was somehow missed by every level of quality assurance in the mutli-billion dollar company for the past six years.

“We don’t know how this happened,” said Sony Spokesperson Mary-Ellen Curtis. “We pay our proofreaders very well and expect a better quality of work from them. We are currently investigating.”

This is not the first time a Will Smith film has made it to market with a spelling error but never one so obvious. Previously the film Ali was supposed to have been named after the area behind the deli where the legendary boxer first learned to fight, but a mix-up had the title spelled eponymously. Luckily this mistake was easy to spin as intentional.

“Currently we are recalling every copy of the film to reissue a corrected version,” says Curtis. “We don’t want kids to think that Will Smith is telling them misspelling things is cool.”

The most famous recall of a film due to an error on the cover is the phallic Little Mermaid clam shell which is now a collector’s item. Many are predicting the same will happen for lucky owners of Happyness. Most recently the Thirtysomething box set was recalled due to the disparate fonts used in the title with no change in the collector’s value.

Study: 1 in 4 Laptop Users at Starbucks a Terrorists

New York, NY - A new study indicates a shocking statistic: 1 out of every 4 people working on a laptop at your local Starbucks is either communicating with fellow terrorists or working on a new terrorist plot. The news has sent shockwaves through the caffeinated community.

The news is putting regular patrons of the nationwide establishment on edge more than their triple machiatos. One such lover of caffeinated beverages, Marianne Freely, is considering taking her business elsewhere. “Dunkin’ Donuts doesn’t have this problem. Their tagline even has ‘America’ in it. I’m going there.”

“Now every time I’m at a Starbucks I’m checking the screen next to me.” says customer Jeremiah Slack. ” It’s usually just a shitty screenplay but you never know.”

The truly terrifying aspect of this story is the terrorists use of screen encryption coding while working on their plots. “These bombers have been able to code their screen so that it simply looks like Twitter or the Huffington Post when in actuality they are creating a bomb that can kill you and everyone you love,” says Homeland Security agent Morgan Whitefield.

Starbucks CEO Angelo Starbuck responded to the news. “Starbucks offers free WiFi to every patron whether they purchase something or just use our bathroom. That is our policy.”

Canadian Economy Booms as “Rachel Haircut” Sweeps Toronto

Toronto, ON - What was once the must-have haircut for women across America in the mid-90s has become the must-have hair style for Torontonian women today. Toronto has always been slightly behind on trends but once a trend reaches the city it virtually explodes. This is what happened with the sassy bob popularized by the Jennifer Aniston on the television series Friends.

“It’s just sexy and flirty, eh?” asked Michelle Candy, fresh from the salon. “I feel like a movie star, eh?”

Hairstylists are having difficulty keeping up with the demand as there aren’t many reference photos available. “The Internet here is a little behind, eh?” asked Evan Dowmont, proprietor and stylist of Curl Up and Dye. “We just got the show a few months ago so I can’t find many pictures on my WebTV, eh?”

Toronto stylists are flush with income and are having a hard time keeping up with the demand. Dolly Meyers is one such business owner who loves the recent surge in business. “I haven’t seen this many customers since that rush to get the Tickle Me Elmo doll last Christmas, eh?” she asked.

Another surge to the economy is expected next year when George Clooney’s Cesar cut reaches the city.

Actresses With Flat Faces Finding it Hard to Transition to 3D Films

Hollywood, CA - In the early part of the 20th century several actresses were finding it difficult to transition into “talkies” because of their annoying, shrill and disagreeable voices. Today many actresses with flat faces are facing a similar issue by their inability to break into Hollywood’s hottest trend, 3D.

One such actress, Ming Cho, has been turned down for several roles in 3D films with her flat face noted as the reason. “I’ve tried to give my face some depth by wearing fake eyelashes but I guess they want more,” said the actress.

Studio executives are unapologetic about their ban on these flat-faced weirdos. “People go to 3D movies for depth of vision and exciting visuals,” says Fox executive Tony Jameson. “They don’t go to see a walking stop sign.”

Many well-established actresses are struggling during this transition. Well known names ranging from seasoned actresses to newbies such as Virginia Madsen, Tiffany Amber Thiesen, Sienna Miller, Amanda Bynes, and Selena Gomez have all felt the sting of rejection due to the flatness of their face.

Who will make the cut in this new age is still undetermined although some actresses have a leg up. “Penelope Cruz’s face was made for 3D” says an industry insider. “Have you seen the honker on that girl?”

Wealthy Dowager Shocked

New York, NY - New York Socialite and wealthy dowager Lady Mamie Von Mixton was shocked into fainting at a fundraiser late Saturday evening. Onlookers were taken aback by what they call, at the very least, an overreaction.

The majority of the crowd at the posh event were surprised when a ne’er do well crashed the party and dropped his pants revealing comically over-sized boxers but none exclaimed quite as loud as Von Mixton. “You’d have thought somebody just ate her puppy,” said Max Alexander, party guest. “That bitch needs to take it down a notch.”

Von Mixton has a history of reacting in such a manner to the unexpected. Whether it be something as outrageous as surprise nudity or something as trifle as a bawdy joke told in mixed company Mixton has a history of exclaiming before fainting.

“I remember once a waiter sneezed at a cocktail party,” said Lady Mary Vanderwicke. “You’d have thought the guy fired off a freaking gun in a trash can.”

Sir Harold Von Mixton says his wife is still recovering from the shock she received over the weekend. “The poor dear has always been a delicate sort. She should be on her feet in time for the Governor’s Ball next weekend. I just hope that awful son with the leather jacket and motorcycle doesn’t bust in again.”

Religious Group Lobbies School to Teach Rib-Based Reproduction

Atkins, AR - A small but vocal religious group has brought forth a petition to the Bonneville County School Board asking them to teach alternatives to biological reproduction. Specifically the group want educators to teach students the theory that humans reproduce by Almighty God plucking a rib from a man and using it to create another person.

“There is a theory that humans are created through sexual reproduction between a man and a woman,” says Jeb Potter, Pastor of First Presbyterian Church in Atkins. “There’s also a theory that people are created from a rib pulled out of the body by God. Why won’t the Obama Administration let us tell both sides?”

The story has garnered national attention with many big names weighing in on the small town debate. “I would prefer that students have the ability to learn all aspects of an issue,” said Michelle Bachmann. “I support putting all science on the table and then letting students decide”

Currently the Bonneville County School Board is tied 7-7 on the vote. A concession was offered where a disclaimer be given before children are taught about sexual reproduction stating “this is a controversial theory which some scientists present as a scientific explanation for the origin of living things.” It goes on to attack sexual reproduction as an “unproven belief that random, undirected humping produces living things.”

Madonna Rushes to Daycare Upon Remembering She Has Adopted Child

London, UK - Pop Singer Madonna recently rushed out of a press junket for her new film W.E. when she remembered that she had an adopted son that she had left at daycare for 2 years. The child was retrieved and is now safely back at home with the singer/director and his sister.

Madonna received quite a bit of attention when she adopted David from Malawi in 2004. Shortly after that attention died down and the singer dumped the child off at an extended stay daycare in Slough while she went on a press tour for her album.

“David was very sweet and really no trouble,” said Edna Blight, headmistress of the daycare. “He helped clean and take care of the little ones. And as he got older he started cooking dinner for the other forgotten children.”

Madonna’s publicist has remained mostly mum about the event except for press release which simple stated, “Madonna is a very busy woman with a lot of balls in the air. She has released several albums in the past few years, appeared on the Grammies and directed a critically acclaimed film, W.E. in theaters now!”

The daycare staff is happy that David is back with his mother but admits that it was hard to see him go. “He was a huge help around here and everyone loved him. I know little Maddox Jolie is heartbroken now that he’s gone.”

Nicolas Cage Set to Play Nicolas Cage in Scathing Biopic

Hollywood, CA - Never one to turn down a job Nicolas Cage just inked a deal to portray himself in an unflattering biopic from Dimension Films. The film, set for a summer 2012 release, paints the actor as a misogynist, alcoholic, homophobe, and mentally unbalanced individual. Despite the negative slant the film takes Cage jumped at the opportunity.

“We just thought ‘what the hell?” ya know? He’ll obviously do anything so we decided to ask him,” says director Brian Schaefer. “I honestly didn’t think he’d say yes.”

Neither Cage nor his lawyers are happy about the film. “As soon as I’m done filming I plan to file suit against the Producers and the studio for putting out this filth!” said Cage in an official press release. “Come see it in June!” he added.

The film tells the story of Cage’s childhood in Zaire where he was born to lesbian parents and raised in a Satanist home and follows his life through his breakout role in Fast Times at Ridgemont High where he allegedly sexually assaulted Phoebe Cates. Although Cage denies all of the facts presented in this film he hopes for Oscar recognition. “It’s certainly an edgy role,” says Cage. “It would be great to be back on Barbara Walters.”

In the past year Cage has appeared in Season of the Witch, Drive Angry, Trespass, The Smurfs, Christmas with a Capital C, Wicker Man 2: The Search for Curly’s Gold, Mac Tonight: The Untold Story, Face/Off 2, Face/On 1, New Years Eve, Tyler Perry’s: Why Did I Get Married 3, The Hangover II (in an uncredited motion capture roll as the monkey), Cars 2, Big Mommas: Like Father, Like Son, and multiple appearances on Yo Gabba Gabba.